Genesis 30: A Reproductive Rumble!

I am splitting Genesis 30 into two posts because there was just so much yummy goodness to write about. Look for part two on Monday!

Genesis 30 would make great reality television.

I’m talking serious “Real Housewives of Haran” meets “The Duggars” here! Interpersonal drama, buckets of kiddies, sex, backstabbing, everything! Bravo Network, are you listening? We could call it . . .

Breed wars

Wow, that was terrible. But it is what it is my friends.

Rachel and Leah are in a no-holds-barred competition to see who can win the heart of their husband. What an odd sentence. Here is the play-by-play:

With your announcers: Cotton McKnight and Pepper Brooks!

“Good evening Breed Wars fans! I’m your host, Cotton Mcknight and with me, as always, is my trusty partner Pepper Brooks . . . Pepper!”


“Yes, well, anyway, tonight’s battle is between two newcomers to the arena: Leah and Rachel. Interesting fact about these two: they are sisters!

“Sisters are hot.”

” . . . ok. The match is about to begin so let me review the rules for those new to Breed Wars: Each contestant is responsible for having as many children as possible by the end of the chapter. They will have to get creative in order to ‘out-breed’ each other. The winner will hopefully get the love and affection of her husband.”

“The real key to this game is going to be getting more kids than the other person. That is going to give them the best chance of winning.”

“This promises to be a good match folks. Let’s watch!”

  • “Leah is off to a strong start! It seems the LORD has smiled on her and given her not one, not two, not three, but four strapping young boys! That is going to be tough to overcome!”
  • “Not so fast, Rachel has a few tricks of her own.  She seems ready to go after Leah’s womb closed up! It looks like she is pulling the ‘servant slip’ and replacing herself with her maidservant, Bilhah. I haven’t seen that one since Sarai and Hagar. Two sons awarded to Rachel!”
  • “But wait, what’s this? Leah is matching Rachel’s strategy! She has thrown her own servant into the fray! The move works and nets her two more boys.”
  • “There is a slight lull in the action but don’t let it fool you. Leah is using mandrakes as a bargaining tool. Looks like she has bought Jacob from Rachel for the night. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for her.”
  • “Success! I tell ya’ I have never seen a move like that before. Leah gets three more children out of the ‘mandrake maneuver.'”
  • “Ooh, the judges are removing one of them. Apparently girls don’t count for points in this game.”
  • “But I have to hand it to Rachel, she doesn’t give up and has finally conceived a child of her own.”

“Cotton, what we have here is a case of too little too late. Great match!”

Final score: Leah-8, Rachel-3. Game. Set. Match. Leah=WINNING!

Meanwhile Jacob is very tired, icing his crotch, and should think about replenishing some fluids.

2 responses

  1. I find it entertaining that the ‘ads by Google’ is currently advertising UK Christian dating to accompany this post – ‘Meet Christian Singles In Your Area; Find Someone Special In Spring 2011’.

    But watch out for men who insist on meeting beside a well. It may be more trouble than its worth…

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