Genesis 34: You Kinda Had It Comin’

Genesis 34: A heinous crime is committed. Swift (and awesome) justice is served. But was it a bit too hasty and short-sighted?

How Not to Get The Girl

Ooh, too bad Shechem. You are dead. And this could have all been avoided if you had just used a little bit of what I like to call, “intelligence” or, “tact” when pursuing a romantic interest. Let’s take a look at where you went wrong.

  1. Your opening move was rape?! Not cool. Like, ever. Most people start with conversation or talking to the family. But you just couldn’t keep it in your pants. Shame on you.
  2. Following the rape, you went and asked her Dad if you could marry her. What on earth gave you the idea that this was going to work?
  3. You were so blinded by your lust for Dinah that you agreed to cut the foreskin off your penis.
  4. Then you convinced all the men in your city to do the same thing. Wow, a whole city of winners.
  5. You trusted Dinah’s brothers to treat you fairly. That. Was. Dumb.

I want to feel sorry for you, but I totally don’t.

“Revenge . . .

. . . is a dish best served cold” -Ancient Klingon Proverb

“No way this idea works, Simeon.”

“I know Levi. But come on, what do we have to lose?”

“Ok, but you tell them to do it. I won’t be able to keep a straight face.”

I gotta hand it to Simeon and Levi: That was quite a plan. Get all the men to circumcise themselves and then, when they’ve got their “junk in a funk*,” bust into the city and kill them all.


Do you think they were just a little surprised that it actually worked?

I’m not sure it is all that cool to laugh at the fact that all the men in a city just got killed, but that is a hilarious story. I want to be the grandkids of Simeon and Levi and hear them tell that one when they come over for Thanksgiving dinner.

Don’t Be Hasty

Jacob is not as impressed with his sons as I am. We will just have to agree to disagree. But I have to admit, he has a point.

Simeon and Levi wanted to avenge their sister. I can’t blame them. I would want to do the same thing. (I have two sisters) But Jacob is looking at a slightly bigger picture. He sees all the ways this murderous rampage will damage his relationships with the surrounding people.

His logic? There are more of them than him and if they decide to turn against him he and his family are toast.

The sons what to defend the honor of their sister.

Jacob wants to preserve his good standing with the people.

What we have here is a good old fashioned ethical dilemma! Hooray! So what do you think? Who made the right move? Who was justified in their action?

* “junk in a funk” is now my new favorite phrase. Feel free to tweet that to all your friends. You’re welcome!

3 responses

  1. Love the hilarious spin you put on this!
    I, personally, think murdering all the men because of what one man did is a little drastic. But, if someone hurt one of my siblings (I’m the oldest), I’d probably do the same thing…or at least think really hard about doing it. I am inclined to agree more with Jacob than the brothers. You gotta look at the bigger picture if you’re going to pull something like that.
    Anyway, great post!

  2. Well there’s the whole “turn the other cheek” and “he who is without sin” thing to consider, but that’s still a millinium away. Our desire for revenge is a human emotion. It’s base, primitive, uncivilized – but human. It’s wrong, but we’re humans and we will always do something wrong one way or the other.

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