Exodus 4 part II: Throw It On The Ground

After my emotional response to Exodus 4 a couple of days ago, I felt it necessary to bring back a little levity to the story. The great part is that Exodus 4 is NOT a funny chapter. At all.

Until now.

I Threw It On The GROUND!

If you want the next section to make any sense at all, please watch this video,

What would it have been like for Moses to walk the streets of Egypt trying to convince his fellow Hebrews that he had been sent from God? Well, I may have an idea:

New York Hipster Moses!

I was walking through the Egyptian streets.
And a man walks up to me and tries to throw me in the latest brick making pit.
“Work harder, build faster!”

Maaaaan, I’m not going to let you enslave me!

I took my staff, and THREW IT ON THE GROUND!
It turned into a snake!
I ain’t gonna be part of yo’ system!
Maaaaaaaaaaan!

Later on I’m hangin’ with the”so-called elders”
They wanna see a sign to prove I’m from God.
You don’t believe me yet?! Fine!

I took some water and THREW IT ON THE GROUND!
And it turned into blood!
I ain’t gonna be part of your system!
I’m an Aduuuuuuuuuuuuuult!

MAAAAAAAAAN!

Zipporah FTW!

So Moses and his family are headed back to Egypt. And then this thing happens.

On the way, at a place where they spent the night, the Lord met him and tried to kill him. But Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin, and touched Moses’ feet with it, and said, ‘Truly you are a bridegroom of blood to me!’ So he let him alone. It was then she said, ‘A bridegroom of blood by circumcision.’

Humminna-what?!

If that isn’t the craziest thing you have read all day then I am terrified of your summer reading list! This is one of those passages I wish would just go away because it makes no sense.

Until I consulted my trusty Old Testament background commentary!

Apparently Moses must still have some guilt from offing that Egyptian slave driver. He was hiding from it in Midian but now it has come back to haunt him. God did make it clear back in Genesis 9 that if you kill another human you ought to be killed. He is making good on his words.

But Zipporah comes through in the clutch! (another amazing woman of Exodus!)

In what is certainly a foreshadow of the passover, she snatches a knife, circumcises her son, and then smears the blood on Moses’ “feet.” I’m gonna go ahead and guess that “feet” is a euphemism for a certain New York Congressman.

And for her “Fantastic Foreskin Flaying” I award her the prestigious AAA. Congratulations!

Hmmm, the blood of the firstborn holds off death. Pretty sure we’ll never see that happen again!

 

Comments Question: What is the strangest pop culture reference you’ve thought of while reading the Bible?

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11 responses

  1. Hahaha – I love this post! It made almost made Cream of Wheat come out my nose during breakfast. And the insight into Zipporah was great! I had always been confused by that passage. But where the heck does she get the idea? And how did she know God was about to kill Moses?

    Scene 1: Zipporah wakes up in the middle of the night to see an Angel of the Lord standing over her husband with a sword raised. Immediately she screams “NO!” and uses the moment of startled confusion to grab her knife, run to her son, unzip his pants and cut his junk (please not too quickly because you might cut too much or slip). She ignores the horrible cries of her unsuspecting son as she leaves him bleeding on the ground and hurls herself under the upraised sword of the angel to smear the flap of skin on her husband’s feet.

    The next day, Moses, grateful though he is, takes away all of Zipporah’s knives and other sharp objects. He makes a few phone calls to Egyptian psychologists he still knows (highly recommended), and also a plastic surgeon because he doesn’t want his son’s wife to be horrified on their wedding night at the hack job that was once his penis.

  2. Moses had not circumcised his son and that was a direct break of the covenant with Abraham, which is why the Angel of the Lord, for in the Hebrew it is not the Lord that does it, tries to kill him.

    • That does make sense, though it is still a bizzare story. Why did God wait all that time? Why then? I don’t recall God saying the penalty was death, though that might come later.

      Also, the angel of the Lord lends some weight to the passover foreshadowing. Thanks for the info!

      • I was so upset by the story a few months back when it came round in readings for Vigils that I went to the rabbis online to find out. That was the explanation I found that made the most sense. Also, it could be apocryphal? Who knows, I like discussing the OT though, thanks for doing this.

  3. Okay, this may be the single greatest blog about Exodus 4 I’ve ever read! I loved this Ben.

    That skit is one of the funniest SNL ones I’ve ever seen. Happy birthday to the ground!!!

    That is a crazy, crazy verse but you made it awesometastic! Well done, dude!

    • Thanks Tony! That is very encouraging to hear.

      Dude, I LOVE that skit. True story: someone handed me a cake last year on my birthday and I totally did that.

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