Exodus 16: The Complaints Department

Siniša's deskphoto © 2009 njaminjami | more info (via: Wylio)
Welcome to the Exodus 16 Complaints Department! Our job is to provide you with speedy solutions to your most pressing desert-wandering woes. Before we hear your complaint, please take a moment to read through our “Frequently Asked Questions.”

F.A.Q.s

F.A.Q. #1: Who should I direct my complaints to?

There is a common misconeption that Moses and his brother, Aaron, are solely responsible for you and your well being in the desert. The truth is that their job is not to bring food. They simply relay messages from God to the people and carry out his instructions.

God provides the bread, the quail, and the water. So if you are feeling hungry or thirsty or pissy, please direct your complaint to him. Thanks.

F.A.Q. #2: I am very thirsty but there isn’t any water except this undrinkable bitter spring water. What should I do?*

Many people wonder about this. Fortunately, there is a quick fix. See that piece of wood over there? Just throw it into the water. It will become sweet and you will be able to drink it.

*this happens in Exodus 15 but I felt that it fit better in this chapter.

F.A.Q. #3: I am very hungry but we are in the desert and there is no food to eat. What should I do?

It is true that wandering in the desert with a huge crowd of people might make gathering food a problem. But we have devised a clever solution to this problem.

Firstly, each morning when you wake up, before the sun gets hot, go outside. There will be a dew on the ground. When the dew evaporates it will leave a flaky, honey-like substance behind. This is bread from heaven. You may gather it for your food that day.

Secondively, each evening a giant covey of quail will come into the camp. You make take them and prepare them for dinner.

This should be enough for you and all your family’s nutritional needs.

F.A.Q. #4: My food goes bad after only one day. What’s up with that?

The thing you must remember here is that you will only be allowed to collect enough food for one day at a time. Anything more that you collect will become rotten with mold and maggots.

We cannot stress this enough: Only collect what you need for that day.

There is one exception to this rule. On the sixth day you should collect enough for two days. There is to be no work done on the seventh.

Again: Do not collect any food on the seventh day.

Was your question answered to your satisfaction?

Disclaimer: We are not responsible for any illness, smiting, or death resulting from not following these instructions. Thank you and have a nice day!

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5 responses

  1. Firstly, this was a classic!

    Secondively, I loved your creation of the word Secondively – I both covet it and plan to steal. Are you happy now – you’ve gone and made me break a couple commandments.

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