Leviticus 5: Guilty Sinner!

I’m on to you.

Oh yes. Don’t think I haven’t noticed all that dirty, guilty, sinning you have been doing around the camp. I glued googly eyes on the back of my robe just so people would know how much I am watching them. Yeah, I know it looks weird but it gets my point across.

I see you. I saw all that stuff that you did even when you didn’t know you did it! That’s how good I am.

What? You want an example? Fine. Let’s see . . .

How about that time you were called to bear witness in a trial and you were nowhere to be found? Well, I know where you were! You were out rolling around in unclean animal carcasses while throwing human excrement at me. How do you not remember that? You even swore an oath that if I told anyone you would tie me to the underside of a camel and feed it dark chocolate bran muffins.

You really don’t remember that?

Hey! Where are you going? I see you heading back to your tent! Don’t you think for a second you can get out of this one! I know for a fact that you are too poor to own sheep. You don’t even have enough money to buy turtle doves. You, my friend, are scah-rewed!

Wait, is that 1/10 of an ephah of choice flour? Where are you going with that? Why are you headed to the Tabernacle? You can’t offer that! You haven’t put any oil or frankincense on it! What do you mean you don’t have to?!

Get away from that priest! I see you talking to him! Why is he taking your flour?!

Sir! Sir! Excuse me, but why are you taking this man’s offering to the altar to burn it? He is a guilty sinner and he isn’t doing his offering right. I believe he should be punished for what he is done. And unlike him, I will actually testify about it!

What’s that? This is a sin offering? And he doesn’t need oil or frankincense on it? Are you kidding me?

Do you know how hard I have worked to find out all the sinning this man has done?! And just like that you are going to atone for it and forgive him?

That’s messed up, man. Messed. Up.

Wow. If I ever need to do one of those offerings I swear I will tie myself to the underside of that camel.

Crap . . .

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