Leviticus 14: Home Improvement

Is there anything these priests can’t do? You can add to the already long list of responsibilities “Home Inspector.” These guys could work circles around most pastors and priests nowadays.

What’s that? You preach AND visit sick people? Congratulations! Yesterday I slaughtered a bull, BBQed it, ate that sucker, diagnosed several skin diseases and prescribed cures, built a new wall and managed a construction site where we were tearing down an unclean house.

How To Remove Leprosy From Your House

If you notice something weird growing on your wall, you are going to want to get it taken care of. It might end up being nothing, but it also might be infectious, leprous mildew! You just don’t want to take that chance. So when you see something, follow this simple 8-step formula.

1) Tell the Priest. (and I quote) “There seems to me to be some sort of disease in my house.” I don’t know why, but I found that to be really funny.

2) Empty the House. That’s right. Get everything out of there. Hopefully your teenage children aren’t hiding anything questionable in their rooms. That could get embarrassing.

3) Priest Examination: This is where they get to do their best TLC impression and find all the gross stuff growing on your walls.

Should they find the mildew to be a certain green or red color and deeper than the surface . . .

4) Shut Up The House For 7 Days: Not from talking. A talking house? I can’t believe you would even suggest that! Board it up and make sure nothing goes in or out of it for a week. This is a lot like in the last chapter where people who have potentially infectious diseases are put in isolation for a week.

5) Inspection #2: The priest will check to see if it has spread. If it hasn’t . . .

6) Remove the infected stones: This is the equivalent of taking a sledgehammer to a wall. That is easily my favorite part of any construction job.

7) Scrape the House: Remove all the plaster from the walls. Take all of the plaster chunks out of the camp. This is easily my least favorite part of any construction job.

8 ) Replace the Stones and Plaster: Good as new! Unless . . .

Note: Step 9 is only necessary if the mildew returns.

9) Tear Down The House: Sorry Charlie. Your house is unclean! It must be destroyed!

And there you have it.

You know, I am pretty sure the house I moved out of last week is way past the point where it needs to be torn down. Especially the part of the house that was my bathroom.

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9 responses

  1. So when God said that Israel is to be a nation of priests, He doesn’t just mean religious stuff. He’s got this big picture of how priests interact with the people in every aspect of their lives. Cool.

  2. Having been a reluctant patron, I love the last two lines.

    A question that could be asked at the end of one of your posts on the priests’ roles would be regard to our expectations for our present day pastors. What are the crazy things that we expect of them that have no Biblical backing?

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