Numbers 24: Screw You Guys. I’m Going Home

Yesterday I was empathetic with our pal, Balak, King of Moab. He wants God to be on his side. He wants God to hate the people he hates.

And I think, if we are honest, we are all a lot like that. And some people make it so easy to do! (I’m looking at you certain pastor of a certain church in a certain Northwest city!)

But I am done feeling empathetic. It’s time to have a little fun at Balak’s expense. The rest of this post will be performed from the perspective of Balaam: Oracle-Giver and Donkey-friend.

Third Time’s a Charm

Oh Balak. You are adorable! You really think that you can pay me to make God do something?

Come on, man!

Have I ever told you the story about how God almost cut me in half with a giant invisible sword and then made my donkey talk?

Oh, you’re right. Let’s try and go to another hill. Maybe God will say something different from this angle. Do you have any idea how dumb that sounds?

But ok, I’ll give it one more try. For you. Because you are so adorable.


“I hear from God. Israel is awesome. God will destroy all of his enemies (including you, I am guessing.) Blessed is everyone who blesses Israel and cursed is everyone who curses Israel.”

I’ll give you a hint: That last part is about you.

Ok, how about a fourth time?

Oh, you still think this is about money.

You can’t seem to understand why I would way what God wants me to say even though he doesn’t pay me.

Again, adorable.

You know what? Here, I’ll give you one more oracle. On the house.

“Israel will have a king. That king will pretty much work over you and your friends. There is no hope.”
And that’s about all I got.

So screw you guys. I’m going home.


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