Numbers 24: Screw You Guys. I’m Going Home

Yesterday I was empathetic with our pal, Balak, King of Moab. He wants God to be on his side. He wants God to hate the people he hates.

And I think, if we are honest, we are all a lot like that. And some people make it so easy to do! (I’m looking at you certain pastor of a certain church in a certain Northwest city!)

But I am done feeling empathetic. It’s time to have a little fun at Balak’s expense. The rest of this post will be performed from the perspective of Balaam: Oracle-Giver and Donkey-friend.

Third Time’s a Charm

Oh Balak. You are adorable! You really think that you can pay me to make God do something?

Come on, man!

Have I ever told you the story about how God almost cut me in half with a giant invisible sword and then made my donkey talk?

Oh, you’re right. Let’s try and go to another hill. Maybe God will say something different from this angle. Do you have any idea how dumb that sounds?

But ok, I’ll give it one more try. For you. Because you are so adorable.


“I hear from God. Israel is awesome. God will destroy all of his enemies (including you, I am guessing.) Blessed is everyone who blesses Israel and cursed is everyone who curses Israel.”

I’ll give you a hint: That last part is about you.

Ok, how about a fourth time?

Oh, you still think this is about money.

You can’t seem to understand why I would way what God wants me to say even though he doesn’t pay me.

Again, adorable.

You know what? Here, I’ll give you one more oracle. On the house.

“Israel will have a king. That king will pretty much work over you and your friends. There is no hope.”
And that’s about all I got.

So screw you guys. I’m going home.


6 responses

  1. You just helped me to see this story as doing the same thing and expecting different results which defines insanity and is often ascribed to the insanity of addiction. This time I will only drink wine and it will be different or I will only drink alone and it will be different. But here the “same thing” is asking God to take another side. Why do the Isrealites have all of God’s love and devotion but not these other tribes? Is it because they worship other Gods? The Isrealites started worshipping idols when they first left Egypt with Moses so why were they forgiven? I don’t understand why God seems to pit his children against one another. What about the commandment, Thou Shall Not Kill? God seems totally OK with them killing tribes that seem innocent. I don’t understand this one.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s