Deuteronomy 3: The Mighty Mouth of Moses

Alrighty people. Listen up! I am Moses and I have some things to say.

Ready? Ready?

I see you down there Issachar! Look at me when I’m talking to you!

Ok good. Here we go.

Actually, I just need to talk to the Reubenites, Gadites, and the Half Tribe of Manasseh, or, Half-asseh. heh heh.

You and your cows have decided to settle in the land east of the Jordan. You have no need to remind me that you have a lot of cows. I know. I can see them and smell them.

But here’s the deal: That doesn’t get you out of fighting with the rest of Israel. We’re in this together people! And you don’t get to sit this one out just because you have a lot of cows.

I’ll tell you what, I’ll make you a deal. When we all cross over into the land, why don’t you guys go first?

It’s only fair.

Then, when everyone has their own land, you can go back to yours.

And your cows.

Israel Gets “Joshed”

Joshua, my boy. Come here.

You are going to lead these people very soon. You will take over for me.

There are a lot of big scary people across the Jordan River. You might be tempted to be afraid of them. But remember, the LORD has given them over to us. We can take ’em!

You aren’t even the one fighting. God does it! Ha! What a deal!

Remember that. And help everyone else remember that.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go talk to God about something.

Are You There God? It’s me, Moses.

Hey.

Sup.

Sooooooooooooo, I just wanted to say that you have been seriously coming through in the clutch lately. What you did with those Amorite kings was pretty awesome.

Though I’m not sure why you wanted me to include that detail about Og’s bed. Why do I need to know that it was 13 feet long and 6 feet wide? Who in the world needs a 13-foot long bed?!

Anyway, you are pretty much the best and I was wondering if I could, oh, I don’t know, go in and see the land you are giving to your people.

I’ve heard some really good things about it.

Just a peek?

“Enough from you! Never speak to me of this matter again!”

Sigh.

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7 responses

  1. It’s funny you mentioned the bed, I was thinking of doing a related post on this at some point. The bed is big because Og is the last of the Rephaites, a tribe of ‘giants’. The early parts of the Bible have a bunch of references to giants, and I have to admit, I’m not entirely sure what’s going on with them!

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