Moses (M): Hello, Albus. I just wanted to let you know that I have finished my audit of your school. Would you like to know the results?
Dumbledore (D): Oh, of course! Please, step into my office. And if Fawkes explodes, pay no mind. He’ll be back. Trust me, resurrection will be a very important thing with your people later.
M: Ok . . . say, just a head’s up, this meeting is not going to be pleasant, so if I may add a little levity, you and I look awfully similar.
D: Ah, indeed we do! Would you like a Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Bean?
M: Every flavor, eh? Here’s to hoping I don’t get a bat-flavored one. You never know at a place like this.
(grabs the bean and starts to eat it.)
M: Really?! Manna-flavored? Come on! 40-years I had to eat that stuff! I suppose you want me to wash it down with some quail juice?
D: Winks and chuckles to himself. Anyway, you were saying, the audit.
M: Yes, we may want to sit down. As you know, I have been hearing reports of your school and came by to make sure it was up to “code” with out laws spelled out in Deuteronomy 18. There are nine things we are forbidden to do. I’d like to go through each one.
D: Very well, Moses. You may proceed.
M: The first law says that no one should make their child pass through the fire. Now, I couldn’t find any direct instances of parents forcing their children through fire, but I heard about a disturbing incident in one “room of requirement” involving some students from Slytherin (don’t even get me started on that house!). I was unable to find the room to investigate. Could you help me find it?
D: Oh, I am sure you just need to look a little harder. Many first-year students are able to discover it rather easily.
M: Hmm, I’ll have to give it another go. The next law two laws involve divination and soothsaying. I was directed up to the tower and spoke with Cybill Trelawney. She teaches divination, yes? Though I had a hard time finding ways she was actually successful. Even so, she should be sacked.
D: Professor Trelawney will stay at Hogwarts. Under no circumstances will she leave. That is final.
M: I recommend against that. We will discuss it after this audit is finished. The next law is against augury: getting signs and messages from the flight of birds. Your school’s primary mode of communication is via owl, correct?
D: Yes. As it is throughout the wizarding world. It is a very effective mode of communication.
M: That doesn’t matter. It must be stopped. As well as anyone who practices sorcery or casts spells. Correct me if I am wrong, but that is the entire reason for this school’s existence is it not? I’m afraid I will need to remove all of your students.
D: I am enjoying this auditing increasingly less and less. Maybe if you delivered the news in a different way it would be more fun. Ridiculus!
M: heavy sigh. Moving on. People at this school also consult with ghosts and spirits. It was all I could do to avoid eye contact with Nearly Headless Nick, Peeves, and Moaning Myrtle.
D: Why were you in the girls’ bathroom?
M: I’m asking the questions here! And finally, seeking oracles from the dead is a big no-no. I don’t know if you are aware, but we are currently surrounded by paintings of dead headmasters who are no longer alive. Yet they walk, and talk as if they are. They can also communicate with other people who have their paintings.
It is my expert and professional opinion that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry should be permanently shut down.
D: That is unfortunate.
Fawkes explodes. Dumbledore disappears. Moses shrugs his shoulders and leaves.