Remember back in Genesis 49 when Jacob blessed his sons using twitter? I know, I thought it was weird too.
Weirder still is the fact that now that Moses is at the end of his life, he has decided to bless the tribes using the same method! What is it with these guys?
@Reuben: Live and do not die. #goodadvice
@Judah: Could probably use a little help against his foes. You know, weak hands and all.
@Levi: 1/2: he’s loyal, even though he fought God and disregarded his parents. #backhandedcompliment
@Levi: 2/2: crush his enemies’ balls.
@Benjamin: Hope the LORD has meaty shoulders. You’re gonna spend a lot of time there.
@Ephraim @Manasseh: may you eat good food and gore your enemies like a bull. #nonsequitur
@Zebulun: Yarrrrr! There be treasure in those seas! #pirateblessing
@Issachar: oops. Forgot about you. You can get in on @Zebulun’s blessing
@Gad: Blessed be your enlargement. #superawkwardblessing
@Dan: not sure what a lion’s whelp is, but you better believe you are one!
@Naphtali: May you possess the west and the south. #notthatfunny. #sorry
@Asher: Here’s a coupon for a free pedicure! #fabulous!
Oy. Enough of that. Alright people. Let’s see what you got.
How would you bless the tribes as they enter the promised land?